Once a Dancer

I am bipolar, and a few months before my injury had 2 life altering experiences happen 1 month apart- 1. my 10 year relationship was REALLY over when my ex left town for another state, with his new woman, and would not allow me even a good bye, and he would not say good bye to me. This BROKE my heart so completely that I went into an emotional tailspin, so intense, I began menopause early. Now I could never bare children. Another heart brake so deep I can not begin to explain.

Since I am bipolar I take Lithium. Anyone on Lithium knows that you can't diet calories off - you MUST be VERY active to stay at a healthy weight. Well, obviously I have not been able to exercise for a year. I was a size 6 and I WAS in great shape- VERY strong, studying Flamenco dance, going to hard core pilates/yoga/ballet classes that worked me to the core and I loved. So I was not weak when my injury happened. Just the contrary. Strongest in my life.

Now I have gained 30 lbs, which is HUGE for me, I am only 5'2. I feel horrible. I miss activity so much. I miss dancing so much. I miss sliding into any clothing I wanted and being physically attractive. I will NOT give in and just moan, "Oh, I will have to look like this the rest of my life." I am not a vain person, but this body just does not feel like mine and I want mine back.

I am seeing a chiropractor who said he would get me dancing in 6mo. to a year. That was 3 months ago. Am I close? I don't think so. Flamenco is so demanding, I don't think I will ever be able to do the ONE thing that gave me the MOST pleasure again. I just want to sweat. I really just want to sweat and feel the beauty of a working physical body again.

I won't give up, but I sure as h-ll am tired. And depressed. I am alone so often since I can hardly go out....

Thanks for letting me share my story. Any responses are welcome - Nina