The Forgotten Dialect:
Our Body Language

Part 10: More Mindbody Psychology

Does This Apply to Me?

Before developing emotional awareness, I would most often describe myself as feeling “okay, fine or good”. I now recognize those descriptions to represent a disconnected emotional state that I continually and unconsciously produced. That is exactly how I felt even when my face or body revealed a different story. I can truly understand now how some of my patients can come to me with furrowed eyebrows and a deep frown yet totally deny feeling angry or sad. It is not unusual for us to spend plenty of time bouncing between states of boredom and “feeling fine” and completely forget what it feels like to have moments of genuine raw emotions. We have forgotten what it feels like to be alive.

The pressure of our emotional baggage can manifest in our lives through our thought patterns. When we are truly feeling content, we are not mentally preoccupied. We can enjoy our surroundings and are likely to “stop and smell the roses”. At those moments, time stands still and we are more physically present in our bodies. We are not distracted by our surroundings, because we are soaking up our surroundings. We no longer seek to escape the here and now with our imagination. When, however, we are feeling the pressure of our undigested emotions, it influences everything we see. What might be a trivial event now upsets us. We may have the feeling we cannot relax until we have taken care of some issues in our life. Our attention will be magnetized to the problems in our world and we may have the impression that there are many things that need to change before we can truly be happy.

This perception produces a state of continual busyness and problem solving. That busyness is one of the “distraction” techniques we learned in childhood to keep us from noticing how we really feel. This state is supported by our culture, which tells us that life should be easy. If it isn't, then the world is to blame for our discontent. Spend only fifteen minutes watching the news and notice how many of the topics revolve around blaming others. Watch your own words and more importantly watch your own thoughts and actions and notice how the motive behind them is fueled by a desire to manipulate the external circumstances that you blame for your situation. We attempt to do this by changing the behavior, appearance or circumstances of ourselves or those around us. This is all driven by the misunderstanding that the problem in our lives is the “leak in our dam”, instead of recognizing that the reason things bother us here and now is because of all the built up tension behind the dam walls. When we peacefully release our bottled up tension, our perception changes. We naturally appreciate our circumstances, regardless of the details. Consider the possibility that genuine happiness is not a result of our circumstances, but instead a state of being. A state of being that manifests when we no longer struggle with the circumstances of our lives. A state that is guaranteed when we interact with ourselves and our surroundings with a kind and accepting attitude... without exception.

A very simple and yet powerful way to personally get a glimpse of our bottled-up tension can be accomplished within 15 minutes. If we had no bottled-up emotions, then there should be no reason why we cannot stop what we are doing and fully enjoy ourselves right now, true? The following exercise will help put this to the test. In a sober state, without a full belly, go and sit in silence for 15 minutes. Turn off the phone, the TV, the radio and make sure you are free from distractions for this time. Attempt to spend this entire time sitting still, with your eyes closed. A useful neutral anchor for your attention maybe to just notice the way it physically feels to be breathing. Follow the air as it passes in and out of the nose and back of the mouth or feel your chest rise and fall. Avoid pausing between your out breath and your in breath. During this period of time notice when your attention drifts away and continually bring it back to your breathing. Likely during this activity discomfort will be noticed in one of three areas:

You may feel physically uncomfortable. Despite the fact you can likely be still for 15 minutes in the car, while sleeping or while at work without discomfort, in this scenario you may find it exceedingly difficult to stay still.

You may feel mental discomfort. You may find it difficult to keep your mind focused on your breathing. You may notice a strong tendency towards negative thinking, worrying or problem solving. Even mind chatter focused on convincing others about the importance of emotional development, is founded on “problem solving”. It may be very hard to let go of a particular line of thinking. At some level or another, there is a good chance you will notice a mental struggle instead of quietly observing your breathing and enjoying the moment.

You may notice emotional discomfort. This is may be triggered by a thought that makes you feel upset. Or, because you are not distracted, an emotional state may arise without any particular reason at all.

Although you may be able to imagine what would happen during this brief exercise, actually experiencing this is important. I strongly recommend setting aside the next available 15 minutes for this task. As we all know, having somebody “tell us” how to solve a problem has almost no lasting impact compared to the wisdom gained from experiencing the problem ourselves. Let's use this challenge as an opportunity to gain a firsthand experience of our own emotional state. This brief activity works because it requires us to set down all our “stuff and distract” techniques. This simple activity will allow us to see a portion of our bottled up tension directly. It will also help us see how our undigested turmoil surfaces. If we tend to avoid feeling our emotions, the discomfort will by default have to surface physically and mentally.