The Forgotten Dialect:
Our Body Language

Part 11: Mindbody Psychology Details

Personal Emotional Responsibility

In this paper I take on the tall order of convincing as many readers as possible that those events and people from our past or present that cause pain, suffering or prevent us from getting what seems to be needed before we can be at peace... are not the real problem. Our unresolved stress causes us to have a distorted perspective. It is our perspective that determines whether an event upsets us. Although blaming the world for our pain and suffering is much easier to do, it is disempowering. We basically are saying that our emotional state is out of our control and that we are helpless or that we need to struggle to experience peace. This is not true. If we wish to regain control of our lives, then we need to be responsible as well. When we feel that certain situations or people in our lives are “unforgivable”, that feeling is always eating away at one person’s life... ours! There are two levels of change that must occur before our body reflects harmony. We must first change our minds. This paper and other recommended readings help us to achieve just that. However the more challenging level is achieved only through persistently and consistently applying these principles in our own life. We must convince our unconscious mind, through the example we live by, that our uncomfortable emotions do not mean that “something is wrong”. When this finally happens, we will experience a change of heart. We will begin to feel differently about emotions. As our relationship with our emotions improves, our relationship with everything else improves as well. Later in this writing I will discuss the tools that can help us apply these principles.

Emotional Baggage Collection

“Stuffing” is something we do to the emotion. It is a perceptual trick in which we suppress, bottle up or hide the emotions that are uncomfortable. As children, we had to work hard to develop the ability to flip this mental “off switch”, but as adults it happens often without us noticing it. We all “stuff” to some degree.

“Distracting” is something we do behaviorally to keep our mind occupied and pointed away from intense emotions. There are two major types of distraction techniques; “sedation and projection”. “Sedation” puts our mind into a numb, dream-like state to further suppress our awareness of emotions. We may do this using substances such medications, drugs or alcohol. Or we may do this with behaviors that keep us in a trance. Activities such as watching television, using the computer, working, eating, exercising and shopping can all be used to distract our mind from our emotional state. These activities keep us preoccupied by disconnecting our awareness from the here and now. The second distraction technique is “projection”. Projection can best be described as any behaviors that generate drama. Drama acts as a powerful distraction by using blame. We may blame a circumstance, a person or even an aspect of ourselves. This drama projects our emotional baggage outwards in a calculated way. It generates a temporary relief from our emotional state by creating a lot of noise. And it keeps our attention from noticing the driving force behind the drama... our personal emotional state. Projection is a particularly destructive emotional coping skill because metaphorically it attracts more “storms” in our lives. Projection techniques are what create the enemies in our lives. They cause us to “burn our bridges”. If we continue to project our emotions, ultimately we will find ourselves with little social support. And because we've projected our emotions outward, we will be bothered by our surroundings.

Let’s look at some of the common “healthy” ways our culture recommends that we handle stress and see if we can find stuff and distract techniques hidden there. I often hear people say:

“I don't let stress get to me”.

To me this translates into “I stuff it”.

Or people will say:

“I vent my emotions through exercise or talking”, which to me means “I distract myself with busyness or drama”.

Although as children these “healthy” skills allow us to become socialized and useful members of our community, they lead to a steady collection of undigested emotions. In adulthood, they have outlived their usefulness. These coping skills cause us to be miserable. If we continue to stuff and distract, we continue to spin our wheels. At best we are taking a rain check on opportunities to digest our turmoil. At worst we are refueling our inner turmoil by the destructive and dramatic behaviors that leave us socially isolated and surrounded by our own chaos.