15 Years of Upper Back Pain

I have suffered from back pain since I was 14. I had a back surgery at that age. The causes are certainly psychological. My parents have never married and they were in a "I want to get back at you" game. I was caught in the middle. My mom hated my dad and it turns out I look exactly like him. Once, after some holidays spent at my father's, she refused to take me back. Because I had not stopped to tell her goodbye. She felt rejected- I suppose. Or, despised.

Eventually, I was allowed to go back. Later after that my back problems started. It was quick: My spine got distorted. Thank God, I had not had my menstruations. So I was able to undergo surgery.

The surgery was successful. It was damned expensive. Since I had had it abroad, I couldn't attend back school.

Fast forward to now.
I swim once a week to sharpen my back muscles.
I regularly get some massages with Biofreeze.
I walk during my lunch breaks.
I use heat patches to lower the pain.
I see a physiotherapist.
I see a psychologist.

Sometimes it seems like too much. I fear emotions: I never know what piece of news will leave me scarred, scared and screaming from pain.

I work in a call center- not ideal. But, I wonder if any work environment would be ideal for someone like me.

Often I feel like a wimp. If I could just get on with it. I also hate that I have to explain to people while I am always on medication (pain killers), why I can't join in fun activities (like canoe, kayak, tennis, football).

I feel weird, with my big scar in my back and my "clicking" muscles. A little bit like Wolverine in the X men- only less sexy.

I hate that I can't wear heels. That I must always be careful when I buy shoes. And that shopping must be planned so that it doesn't ruin my back.

Yet, life is definitely better than it used to be. I have a partner- whom I can thank for the regular massages. My job allows me to pay both therapy & physiotherapy. And science has evolved: heat patches are discreet and tens machines render me self sufficient to a certain extent.

I feel older than my age. It is not not funny. I am always thinking about what I could have done that lead me to the pain. Endured too much stress, adopted a bad posture. It is hard to monitor oneself.

But, improvements can always be made. I have resolved to do daily yoga. To write about my back crippling family issues. And to learn to crawl.

I hope readers will be encouraged by my testimony.

And I hope I can find some fellow back sufferers here. - Johannie



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